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April 14th, 2006
03:22 pm
OK, before I start, most people who know me, know I have pretty weird dreams that have entire plots and what not. But I just took a nap and had the single most intricate dream I have ever had, and I have to put it down. I know where most of it came from, and as I write the dream, I will also try and explain where parts of it came from. Just as a background, this is like if Donnie Darko dropped acid, and is definately influenced by reading, a few months ago, about the new movie that is coming out later this year, Southland tales, and then not thinking about it till it was brought up the other day. Oh yeah, and what happens in my dream has NOTHING to do with the movie at all. Haha. That just makes it way weirder.
Oh yeah, and I'm weird ... so here goes...
( Read more... )
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December 9th, 2005
02:20 pm - the holiday season
i've only visited this site on seldom occasion recently, and it has only been to check up on some people's lives. i have suppressed the need to purge myself of any sadness here because i feel it has become a sort of cheap attempt to get sympathy. a whoring out of my feelings. however, since most the people on here (actually all if i'm not mistaken) are around my age, and may have gone through some of the experiences i am going through now, i feel the internet, and it's ability for faceless gut spilling, and anonymous intimacy, is a good place to vent.
i am a girl without a home. this is not literal. this is merely emotional. school for me was once a get away, a place to escape the family for a while. however, i find myself not wanting to be here. however, the family i was once attempting to escape, seems to be no more, or, at least, is in danger of extinction.
everyone fights with their family. everyone has brutal fights with siblings and parents. this is where i hope that i can include that if not everyone, at least some of them can fix it, make it right, make it home again. my home is a bloodless war zone. we defend ourselves and show little to no mercy to the enemies aka each other. sadly, we are short on allies. we are lonely... together.
my mother and my brother spend the most time together, since they both still reside in the same house in Iselin. from what i know, they do not speak much anymore, unless it is in condescending tones, or using insulting language. this relationship is, indeed, a complicated one. until a few years back, he was always the mama's boy, they always got along. they were the unit i hated when i was younger. i felt very much as the outsider. now, they are at odds more than i ever was with them. she is struggling with empty nest syndrome, despite having a child still living at home. she worries, she obsesses, she nags, she desires to have her little boy back. as angry as she gets, no wrong he commits, is ever wrong enough. he in turn, does, pretty much, whatever he wants, but at the small price of her constantly on his back about everything. he fights her for freedom, but seems to take for granted what he has.
she is a woman obsessed, he is a boy unaware or uncaring... or both.
this is my household.
My father, who now lives in Rahway, spends more time with them then i do... i think. there is some sort of resentment, anger, or something i can't articulate, between my father and my brother. i know my brother thinks my father tries to hard to be liked by us, to be our friends rather than a father, and at the same time my father feels my brother uses him. my mother often turns to my father for support, but then in turn shit talks him when he is not around.
my involvement in this cannot be written without sounding bias. no matter how i try, i think i will never capture my role in it as any outsider would. there are always two sides. my feelings however, are ones of jealousy, helplessness, anger, and the staggering, overwhelming feeling of being lonely.
all, just in time for the holidays.
i feel this "situation" we are in is brought more to light during the holiday season. But I love Christmas and the holiday season so much, I feel the need to save it, somehow, if not for us, for myself, at the very least.
So I don’t come here for pity, I come here for advice, your thoughts and whatever else.
Well I guess that’s all for now.
thanks
Current Mood: ellie is making me laugh
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May 10th, 2005
08:34 am - an apology
from last entry....
"today we are taking the pirate SHIT to the 732 and getting some shit done including hanging out with a real life weather man!"
it is not a pirate shit... it is a pirate shiP! I dunno how that happened. I am truly sorry. i just caught this mistake myself and i am truly mortified. please, forgive me!
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May 6th, 2005
01:47 pm - i'd be more worried about cy-otes if i were you! *gus chiggins
so whats been up?
shannon o'connor and rich e. came up to school and we went to princeton with roomate, paula, ronnie and myself. we ate at panera and walked around to some cool places including the princeton record exchange. then we got back to capmus around 930. the rest of the night was spent drinking wine and watching will ferrell and laughing and telling stories.
next morning they left and roomate and i got ready to head back to my new love, philly. we met ray again and hung out on souff street. good times. i heart the bean cafe!
paula and i drove back barely making it over the state line to get cheap(er) gas.
then i drove home and hung out with my jamesy pooh bear, and that communist kid anton. we had some cocoa at the palmers while james told us tales of his incredible trip to ... well to every cool place in europe. he had pics, video and even poetry to go along with all his stories.
wicked.
i went to the dentist thursday morning. blah.
came back to school and roomate insisted we go to applebees so we split a plate of honey chicken strips and mashed potatoes, then we gazed into each others eyes romantically for about an hour before peacing out and heading back to school.
hung out with gus chiggins. did some work. slept... barely
allergies suck
finished my law and order svu paper. now all that remains in my path is the dreaded, evil, communication law final.
pray for me.
today we are taking the pirate shit to the 732 and getting some shit done including hanging out with a real life weather man! wow! exciting! mitchel and tom-ass are supposed to come by and help me out with my couch. i really just wanna see them so we can have a big three way hug that last for a full 2 minutes.
i'm pretty sure ive worn this same shirt the past 4 days... around and to bed.
these socks are nasty too.
better bathe.
mmm roomie made awesome oatmeal!
thats it!
Ellie, miss you. are we really going to europe??? gottaq talk to you about this summer!
song to download: afternoon delight by ron burgundy and the whole channel 4 news team! "if you dont think is the greatest song ever made, i will fight you"
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/pink/sick.gif) sick
Current Music: say anything???
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May 2nd, 2005
01:09 am
haven't updated in a really long time and i guess i have a lot to say...
but i wont now.
today i drove to school from home and paula, alisha and I went to asbury park to check out some of the bands playing outside at bamboozeled. we met up with ashely and charlie then cj and malka for a minute. after hanging around with scene kids, punk rawkers, and kids playing dress up, we headed to philly were we met alisha's really cool friend ray. after almost 4 near death experiences, one being a left turn onto a one way street... us going the wrong way, we finally parked and made our way to south street. we went to some really cool stores and i definately want to go back to restrospective, a thrift shop with rad stuff. i also noticed two new trends that need to be spread for their pure re-dick-ulousness. one was the shirts that read things like "I love being black" or more simply "I am black" ... like ya know, in case we were color blind or something. after seriously considering buying one for ellie, i noticed another trend... bely buckles with scrolling text. i cant even describe these in full detail. its like have a news tinker above your crotch. who invented this? this guy and girl were walking down the street wearing about 35 of them all over their bodies and selling them. i just laughed.
we went to condom kingdom and made alisha very un-cum-fortable, and some cool other shops. paula and i ate a pizzera then found this awesome coffee shop called s0omething with the word bean in it. i wanted to make a "flick your bean" joke but after alisha and ray met up with us, i didnt know if that joke would be ok yet since ray and i are only in the first stages of our ever blossoming friendship. we stayed in the coffee joint and just talked and laughed for like 2 hours. i stared down every hot guy who came in of all ages, races, creeds, backgrounds.... i need to go back to philly! haha
the ride home was great. we had some great convo and even turned the music off for it ((you know its good convo when the green goblin shuts down the d.j. booth))
now im in my room and am psyched that my final isnt tomorrow but tuesday
yessssssssssssss!
well thats it for now.
ellie i miss you and talked about you non-stop tonight. you truly are my hetero-lifemate hehehe
night homies!
songs to listen to: "aside" the weakerthans
"sugar, we're going down" fall out boy
"california waiting" kings of leon
"open like the ocean" midtown
movie to see: "The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" very bizzare but fun. watch out for the part with the thermo missle/sperm whale and the yarn part... loved them.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/pink/mellow.gif) peaceful
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April 24th, 2005
02:32 am - i'm wearing a gasoline dress and a lit match accessory
…and while I still consider myself, a good person, a good friend, I have my regrets. And as time goes and age comes, I find myself building walls and putting people on the outside. I don’t try anymore and I don’t give chances, not as many. Once, I used to see the good in a person, even when they couldn’t, and, relentlessly I would pursue it, to prove my point, to make them see, but I drove so many away. And I honestly haven’t the strength any more. So when I’m angry, hurt, etc etc etc … you may never know it, because I have learned the cold lesson of how not to show it. I don’t have the energy like I used to, to fight, to try, to salvage, to care. And people walk away, and I just don’t care anymore. People stay and I just don’t care. Ive washed my hands of so many people, am I better off? I wonder…
Im comfortable now with this feeling of not feeling. It’s safe and nobody seems to mind.
Im terrified of the l-o-v-e word though I yearn for its meaning daily, hourly…minutely??? I envision it in a letterbox screen and music to set a kiss to. Perfect and passionate. But that’s not me, that’s not who I am.
I wish I could say everything, everything, everything inside.
Well goodnight for now goldilocks
we were supposed to both update but i'm the only one who did = *
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March 2nd, 2005
04:50 am - because stacy liked it so much... ((EMO ALERT!))
3:36AM 03/02/05
Tonight I went on a car ride alone with 2 other people. I had a moment, a long one. Its certain moments, that stretch on longer than minutes that I lose myself in my mind and im aware of everything and at the same time aware that I know nothing. Three of us sitting in the mustang searching for an open d&d. I didn’t really want coffee I just wanted to get out. And with my knees pressed against the dashboard I couldn’t help but think about these feelings that have been coming over me. The feeling of wanting to stretch, to move, to get out, the feeling that I have become bigger than my confines, and its time for me to move on move up and out. And as the three of us sat alone on our car ride I realized we were like movies. ((Everything I know and think is like a movie, so please excuse my comparison))… but our minds were like three movies running at the same time, but none of us could see the other one. that’s what I imagined anyway, that the images and thoughts going through our minds were our own little films never ending and never really beginning, and we all could see them so perfectly, but even if we tried, we could never ever show them to each other. And that’s the way it is all the time, with everyone. So there we were together but alone on a car ride, with only our little movies running and the cd player giving us background music, to set our scenes to.
Its thoughts like this that push that constant lonely/empty feeling up to my throat and let it linger there until I can gather the strength to swallow it back down. And there I am in the passenger window. My hair, my eyes, my skin, my lips that move to form the words of the song I’m not even listening to but still they move perfectly to the words. There I am in the mirror but I don’t know what I’m seeing, though I know, what I’d like to see. And even if I could, I’ll never know what anyone else sees. And it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Because I’ll never know why even your closest friends, can walk away, because I‘ll never know how they see me in that mirror, or how they even see themselves. Or wish to see themselves. I see, as we get older, we get colder, and no one wants to talk about these things and everyones guard is up, bracing themselves, growing harder and more distant, lost in their lonely car rides with empty movie theaters. We do this to avoid accidents and things that can hurt us. We become ever watchful, careful, forgetting to take risks, forgetting hurt. Things change and people you know, you find out you don’t. growing up changes you no matter how hard you fake otherwise. No matter how hard you wish it didn’t.
And I cant help wondering what goes through the boy in the back seats mind when hes quiet. He’s always quiet, even when he’s talking. I know I’m never quiet but I know that most of the time when I’m speaking, I’m not really saying anything. I just want someone, anyone, everyone, to look at me, and see me. But I can’t even see myself in the passenger side mirror, even when I’m looking at my skin, and eyes, and hair, and mouth, singing the words to some song. I want someone to see me at least a little like I want to myself. Maybe see more than that. Maybe. I live for those moments when I think someone has, those brief moments where maybe someone can see my movie and I can see theirs. It’s like the blinkers on cars. They both motion to go the same way but they are out of synch, except, maybe, sometimes, for a moment, they match up, they synch up, they get it together. Then the moment passes and they fall back out of synch and eventually they turn and drive away.
It boggles my mind that we are so similar and going in similar directions, yet we all are so different. We are given these things, these things that make us all like one another, yet we mold them to be different, to some sort of identity. Freedom inside constraints.
We drove and I looked at passing cars and into houses wondering where they were going or what they were doing. Where they sleeping in the houses, if so were they dreaming, what were they dreaming? Where were those cars going? How are these people living their lives? What are their movies and have they actually brought any scenes to real life? Were people looking into our car wondering the same? Where people in those houses looking at windows and hoping for a reflection of themselves, and not just hair, eyes, skin and lips… maybe mouthing words to some song in their movie?
I wanted to write this so bad, I thought about it in the car and even asked the driver if she ever wanted to record her thoughts, because, of course, it hasn’t come out the way it should have.
It never will. I can never show you my movie, or give you the script and the narration. Its there and its gone, replaced with something else. The wheels keep rolling and the objects on the other side of the glass keep being replaced with something else to look at. But these feelings, they never go away, they just get glossed over, and prettied up with a smile, a joke, a something, an anything. But they are always there. Still I have this crazy notion, this crazy feeling some call hope,((but for what?)) those moments, when someone can get into the car with me, maybe see a shot, a single frame. Even if after its done, they get out of the car, leave the theater, and never come back, at least I know they have seen a piece of me.
And though we kept the conversation surface I know there was more underneath. I just don’t understand how I could be the only one who wants to be seen. I want to let everyone in, but I just don’t know if I can anymore.
The car ride ends, the theater still empty… but the smile always on.
4:48AM
Current Mood: EMO
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February 19th, 2005
05:26 am - THIS SONG GOT SOUL TO IT!!!!
NO MORE DRAMA
So tired, tired of all this drama
You go your way and I'll go my way
(No more, no more)
I need to be free
I'm so tired, tired, tired from all this drama
Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
'Cos I can guarantee
That I'll be fine
(No more pain) No more pain
(No more pain) No more pain
(No drama) No more drama in my life
(No more in my life)
No one's gonna make me hurt again
Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn't be around
But maybe I like the stress
'Cos I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more
(No more pain) No more pain, no more pain
(No more games) No more games
Messin' with my mind
(No drama) No more drama in my life
(No more in my life)
No one's gonna make me hurt again, no more
(No more tears)
No more tears, I'm tired of crying every night
(No more fears)
No more fears, I really don't wanna fight
(No drama) No more drama in my life
I don't ever wanna hurt again
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind
Oh, It feels so good
When you let go of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the games
Free from all the pain
Free from all the stress
To find your happiness
I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or lose
And I choose to win
(No more pain)
No more pain, no more pain, tired of hurting
(No more games)
Tired of your playin' games with my mind
(No drama) No more drama in my life
(No more in my life)
No more, no more, no more
No more, no more, no more
(No more tears)
No more tears, no more crying every night
(No more fears)
No more waking me up in the morning with your disturbing phone calls
(No drama) Leave me alone, go ahead
(No more in my life)
(No more pain) No more, I'm tired
(No more game)
No more games, I'm tired, I'm so tired
(No drama) No more, no more
(No more in my life)
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
(No more drama)
I'm tired of all the drama
(No more drama)
Go 'head, go 'head
(No more drama)
Your demons gettin' out of my face
Goin' out my life
(No more drama)
I'm about to lose my mind
Lord help me, help me sing
No more drama
Oh help me sing
I need a piece of mind
A piece of mind, piece of mind
Well, I need
I need to know that you agree
Oh no, oh no
No more, no more, no more drama
No more drama in my, in my life
So tired, I'm so tired
So tired, tired of all this drama
Go ahead with all your drama
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February 6th, 2005
09:03 pm
i'm getting very frustrated with livejournal. why cant i use rich text? why cant i make spaces between lines? frustration here!!! people dont wanna read one giant paragraph, they want spacing, chapters... IT RUINS EVERYTHING!!!
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February 4th, 2005
04:24 pm - MONDAY
Monday was bills 21st birthday. im sorry i forgot, im a turd. but i totally scored a cool personalized jones soda "green apple soda" bottle that had bill and becca dressed as pirates on the front. Ken wa wasted and farted and i missed the beginning but im glad i got to see them.
im sorry i forgot monday... i am fecal matter!
Lauren*
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04:43 am - blondest night ever
before i tell you about the insane stupity and airheadness i suffered this evening, i thought that maybe it was best i tell you about my week up to this point.
MONDAY
I dont remember monday.
TUESDAY
My new roomie Alisha moved in and things went pretty well. the room is set up very cool and has been called "cozy" and "comfy" I myself am too a fan of the room. GOOD ONE! That night i went to bed and felt fine, ready to tackle my 830 to 1130 the next morning.
Then the attack came...
cramps.
fun
So i lay on the bathroom floor, gagging, and squirming in pain. But this was no ordinary period pain, it was shooting through my legs, i couldnt walk, stand up, or even sit up straight. i felt like i had to poop and throw up but neither happened. it was choas all caused by my uterus. and my damn period was a week early. well at least i wasnt the next emmaculate conception right? Anyway, around 7am, i did what anyone in college, a month away from their 21st birthday would do. I called mommy. I cried and cried about the pain into the phone hoping some motherly words of comfort would seep through the telephone lines and make the pain go away. Instead,she picked up another phone, called my campus, then security, and they came to get me ((after i woke my brand new roomie up crying like a child and proably freaking the shit outta her)). A very nerveous man came to my door and helped me into the truck. I asked him to take me to the hospital but he said he would need to call an ambulance.
NO DICE GRANDMA!
So he and i drove to the infirmary, and we went in a half an hour before it opened. I laid on another bathroom floor and gagged and cried some more, while the sweet security gaurd yelled at the cleaning crew who insisted on cleaning while i was bent over a toilet. Then the nurse came in and asked me questions and gave me magic pills and let me sleep. I felt slightly better when 6pm rolled around and my parents came to get me. The rest of the night and into...
WEDNESDAY
i started feeling a little better though not much. My mom drove me back to school and then i hung around till about 645. then a few of us made our way over to the student center where matthew shepards mother, judy shepard spoke. there were so many people we had to sit in another room and watch her on a projector. yeah i cried like a baby when she read her impact speech, and when she talked about her son. it was crazy, so intense. for the question and answer portion we snuck into the main room where she was speaking and sat on the floor. i almost cried again when she talked about the anti-matt people who held up signs such as "AIDS kills fags" and
"Matthew is in hell" So much hate, so little reason. I wont get into to much detail, but it really effected me.
Anyway, on a lighter note, we ordered mass amounts of pizza and watched svu and newly weds ((hate that show)) I passed out and woke up on glorious...
THURSDAY
Today started out well. Went to acting class, had fun there, then shannon o'malley came by. I havent seen her in so long but when she walked in it was pretty much like old times, which may be good or bad, but at the time,it was nice. We went to Dalys and met up with derio and had some dinner with him and his girlfriend. it was fun. but then....
PROLOUGE TO ADVENTURE OF THE BLONDE
Shannon and I went to my car and we drove ronny and paula to the train station. then, with little time to spare before our night class, we drove back to campus, parked next to the building leaving my hazards on, and went in to finish up some homework and print it out. the printer wasnt working so i raced over to the fine arts building out the front door. it never printed properly but my teacher said i could just email it to her later. after class i met up with shannon in the library and we decided we were hungry again, so we called morgan and off to applebees we went, ((after dicking around with derio and his friend for like 20 minutes)) Applebees was very nice and fun... i love the song jellyhead... download
it now if you dont have it.... ya gotta dance to it. anyway, we pulled into campus and i remembered i didnt have my cigs on me. oh i must have left them in my car. thus began ...
ADVENTURE OF THE BLONDE:
chapter 1- The Realization
me- where did i park my car?
shannon- i dunno.
me (loooooooong pause) Did i park my car? i didnt did i.
(huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge pause)
me- i left it parked next to kroner didnt i
so we drove back to kroner and guess what we found!
nothing
"I lost my car" i repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again and again... sometimes it was funny, sometimes it was bizzare. i couldnt wrap my mind around it. How do you forget a car? HOW! HOW DO YOU FORGET A CAR WITH ITS HAZARDS ON!!! we went to security and they told us where to go to find it. so shannon and i embarked on the next chapter of our journey.
chapter 2- The Gates of Hell
After following shitty directions to behind a pool hall, we found
ourselves on a muddy dark road with our headlights shining on a metal chain link fence that had signs on it that read as follows: "NO CUSTOMERS BEYOND THIS POINT" and "BEWARE OF DOG" There were multiple dogs, by the way, stalking back and forth. They were huge and i bet they loved young girl flesh stuck between their huge sharp fangs. Shannon and i laughed nerveously, but mind you, we were nerveous. Then we saw him... David Burkawitz (sp?) and Micheal Myers child, slowly, slowly,
s l o w l y
walking towards us, emerging from the shadows in his blue mechanic outfit ((just like micheal mysers!!!!)) He moved the gate partly aside and made sure the foaming dogs didnt get to us... before he did. Shannon rolled her window down and he lowered his death glare to ours.
Shannon- hi, we lost our car, it got towed.
scary- yeah
me- can we get it back???
scary- wheres it from
shannon- rider
scary- yeah... ill find where it was
he didnt even ask what kinda car. he walked back into the gates of hell and his little apprentices aka the blood thirsty canine circled him, not wanting to harm their dark prince master. he came back and directed us to my car. he informed us he had locked the dogs up and slid back the gates to hell. we drove in and found her, alone and scared. the green goblin stood there, feeling forgotten inside
hell.
Chapter 3- On the inside
I grabbed my keys and bolted to the car hoping that the serial killer had really locked up his attack dogs. I stuck my keys in the ignition, turned and...
nothing.
Damnit. Since i had left the hazards and the lights on the battery had died. Oh shit... now we needed to ask lucifer for a jump. he pulled his machine of death, commonly confused with a tow truck, up to my car. as i waited i stared down at the hardened mud and saw the foot prints of the two roaming beasts, most likely waiting in the shadows, staring, getting ready to pounce on their midnight snack. but, instead of untimely death, i got a jump. my car drove towards the gate and "tito" shannons car follwed. Once again we were faced with the gates of hell, only this time, we were ((hopefully)) leaving them.
OH NO! THEY WERE CLOSED!
The machine of death pulled up slowly next to my car and i thought for sure he would get out laughing, gripping his chainsaw tightly howling "YOU DIDNT REALLY THINK YOUD LEAVE DID YOU HAHAHAHHA!" But instead, he slid open the gate. shannon and i peeled out, narrowly escaping hells ferocious grip.
Chapter 4- The aftermath
We arrived at rider in one peice and we told our story to anyone we came across ((that being like 1 person)) I parked my green goblin then looked back at it for a moment. The memories that we have shared, the trips, the urban camping, the living away from home, the street racing... all of it. oil changes, gas refills, broken side mirrors,scratches, dents, dings, and bumps. all this, and i hugged my beatiful lucy ((the green goblins real name... the green goblin being my car))shannon got a good laugh but she just doesnt understand our connection, we've been through to much together. I walked away from lucy that night a little wiser, a little stronger, and much more appriciative of a friend with a wad of money and willing to lend.
EPILOUGE
The green goblin has since been on adventures since that fateful night. Only a few hours after, it made a drive in the dangeroues snow towards the Crystal diner so i could have a 3am snack with the tke boys. i told jesus i could have used him when i was in hell earlier that night... but he was busy playing poker with the other tke boys. today ((in case you didnt notice it has taken me a span of 2 days to type this entry, starting thursday night, ending friday afternoon.)) it rolled back to the train station to drop off my roomate. i didnt forget to park it this time, lucy is safe.
MORAL?
i think we all learned a valuable lesson and we are all better people for having gone through it or at least have read about it.a car is like a child, dont ever forget it. i forgot mine for 6 hours, and if my car was a child,and i had forgotten my child in say a supermarket, the child would surely have been a member of a kiddy porn ring after 6 hours. i wouldnt waznt lucy in a car porn ring, or my child towed away... so you see? no... you ingrates.
now i just need to get that $150... damn.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/pink/thoughtful.gif) nostalgic
Current Music: blind and driving- solider
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January 31st, 2005
12:20 am - damn 3am internet outages!
for those of you keeping track, i havent written in awhile. well i guess i have but only in the rider livejournal section, leaving fans who get to this site through my aim profile feeling, neglected. So here i be, back, badder, and better than ever (contradiction? i think not.)
i must say, again, that becca has the best livejournal. best pictures, best posts, best hair, best everything... no i'm not gay nor am i the stalker breathing heavily into her phone... i swear. i dont read friends posts enough, which is wrong of me, because they read mine. then when i feel guilty and do so on such nights as this, i'm always amazed at what i find and read. and there are so many times that i wish i had gone through certain experiences with that person. i have cut major people from my life, though not entirely, which may be worse. then i just come off as a flake. to becca, linny, bill and anyone else i have flaked out on numerous occassions... i'm sorry, truly.
have i said this before?
oh hell yes. but i am sorry. you guys are my first real friends here and you havent cut me off (yet?)
thank you for putting up with my flakiness (dandruff?) my drunkenisity (new word?) and just general crap.
thanks for being there for me even if it wasnt up close... because thats my own fault.
anyway, school is going alright so far... all 5 days of it. i (of course) have no books but thats mostly my fault, so i'm already behind. but i'm gonna catch up.... gonna gonna gonna. i started talking to some people i lost touch with a bit again which is nice. i'm getting a new roomate and she seems pretty cool and she sounds like she might be able to put up with me! (always a plus)i like my acting class a lot. the first day the teacher and i were both wearing gray turtle necks and black jeans with black shoes. we both also crossed our legs. i was frightened, so i uncrossed them, as did he. (weird)
I miss ellie terribely and i feel that there is no easy way to stay in touch. long emails get boring to read and write after a while and nothing can capture a moment like your own memory. she and i are never online at the same time and i havent been down to buy phone cards. my video camera is still being repaired and basically i suck! damn you brazil for tempting my best friend away for six months! curses to you and your freakishly gorgeous women!
i need to start my job back at the diner (gag me) I need the money more and more everyday. i want to live in a commune... however you spell it.
oh that reminds me... i cant spell, and i dont care anymore! ive given up... spell check mocks me so you know what... FUCK YOU SPELL CHECK! I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME THE PRECISE ORDER OF THESE SYMBOLS YOU CALL LETTERS THAT FORM GIBBERISH YOU CALL WORDS! HOWS THIS: ^3V@FGHBJk0 *8 *(O
do you know what that says? no? GOOD BECAUSE I AM NOT BOUND BY THE SAME CONFINES THAT OPRESS YOU!
whoa... sorry, had a moment. im very spaztic tonight, forgive me.
my aim is acting dopey. keeps leaving me. bastard, arent all these messaging systems the same? (lights cig) good to you one minute, quit on you the next. and you think you dont need them but once they're gone, your lost. oh god, story of my life.
ok im gonna stop writing before people stop being my friend.
love you all
Lauren*
Current Mood: obnoxious...(a mood?)
Current Music: something so cool and obscure even i dont know what it is...
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January 4th, 2005
11:54 am - ***PROBLEM***
So silly me thought after both my roomates moved out I would get to keep my three person apartment to myself. However I received a phone call this morning saying that aint the case. I have to find at least one more roomate to move in with me or I have to move out. This is so fucking irratating. now i have to search for a new roomy cause i cant think of anyone to ask!!!!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/pink/angry.gif) annoyed
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January 3rd, 2005
06:10 pm
Ahh, a new year, a fresh start, (supposedly). I haven't posted in this thing in sooo long, so long in fact, I had to go back through my journal to find what I even wrote about last. And of course, I was watching Lord of the Rings... and right now I'm watching the second one. So I guess that fresh start thing I said in the beginning was bogus!
Anyway, a lot has happened since I last posted. I won't write about it all because its far to much. I made it out of this last semester alive, despite the fact it got terrible towards the end. I no longer have a roomate in the apartment. So in a room built for three, I live alone. That kinda sucked cause Michelle rocked my socks and we got along really well. The idea of going back to school is both one that makes me cringe and one that makes me happy. I cringe because going back to school means loooong boring nights spent alone in my room since I now have a very minimal number of friends there. But happy because at least at school I have some sense of purpose, even if it does stress me out to the edges of sanity. I also can escape the constant battles, both silent and verbal, that are waged in my household.
Anyway, christmas was mighty good to me. I got a laptop, a real nice one, and I shook with excitment when I opened it. My brother also got me a new skateboard that his girlfriend and I put together. Almost every night I've been going out skating, trying to get better at it. I'm working on sharper turns right now... isnt that exciting? I found out a few people I hang with actually know how to get around on a board, X-Staci being a surprising one, (you little shredster you).
New Years was ummmm intresting. After Elissa's "short" party ended, we headed to o'conners boyfriend jeff's house. It started with liz, x-staci, and me sitting on the kitchen floor (why?) drinking and torturing jeff's dog precious. We kept petending to be Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. We were cracking up. Then all of a sudden the whole house was shoved into this tiny kitchen, legs and arms everywhere, and everyone talking and laughing and it was fun..... especially when precious delivered the running crap right next to me and liz!!! hahaha. BUSHWHACKED!
Anyway, ellie leaves for Brazil in a few days, which really really sucks. I'm driving her to the airport so I'll get to give my goodbye, and I'll proably be a baby and get all upset and shit. Well I hope she has fun and doesnt get pregnant at carnival.
well i gotta get my ass up and head over to a 732 thing at kristyn's house. ttyl!!!
LOVE BECCA'S HAIR!!!
Lauren*
ps. Ashlee simpson "autobiography" is my theme song! ok ok im a little late on the ashlee craze but i love it.
Current Mood: CRAMPS!!!!
Current Music: They~Jem... and the two towers just ended
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December 14th, 2004
11:35 pm
Totally watching Lord of the Rings Return of the King the extended edition by myself.
Oh to have friends!
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December 9th, 2004
04:23 pm - Halfway up the hill....
So I gotta say... I'm feelin a little better. Right before the teacher handed out our Spanish quizzes for us to take, I was having a fit (as per usual) I am never ready for these things but apparently I was more ready then I thought. I was the last person to leave and I was sweating the whole thing out. I even busted my ass on the last section which was what I found out later to be extra credit. I made her grade my quiz then. The result?
100%
oh
yeah
baby!
But I'm not done with this shit yet. I have a few sleepless nights, about 6 more mental collapses, 15 more travel mugs of coffee, 21 more hours in a computer lab or library,46 more phone calls for support, about 4,000,000 thoughts of giving up and countless words from loved ones telling me not to.
So tonight agenda?
*Going to the library at 7 and working with my partner to make an amazing presentation for tomorrow. Then trying to figure out if I can give blood somewhere before the 20th and see if anyone would give blood for me before the 20th.
*Practicing my Spanish accent and speaking so I can ace the interview tomorrow.
*Adding to and fixing up my C 8 page paper. Oh it's gonna be like 15 pages long... 15 pages of glouriousness.
*Thinking of a decent Public Service Announcement commercial and deciding how and when I'm going to do it.
*Maybe eating at some point in the night... cause I'm running on one travel mug of coffee.
*Ummm sleep at some point maybe?
*Oh yeah, and breathing
Anyway, I'd love some of yall ta holla at a sista. Text me with love and I'm sure you'll all know how much it means to me.
Anyway, I've posted twice today and neither one was truly depressing... I'm on a roll!
Love ya all!
Lauren*
ps
Major props to that spaniard Paula for helpin a sista out!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/pink/excited.gif) excited
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12:49 pm
So I had to change my last entry due to some incriminating details. I don't want to be gettin into any trouble now. Except anyone who was going to read that post proably already has, completely defeating my purpose. Oh well, I did what I could.
Anyway, considering the tremeunds shit storm my life has been lately, I'm not in to bad of a mood. I mean I should be, I have every right to be. I have soooo much to do its absolutely rediculous. Just MASSIVE amounts of shit is being loaded onto my back day by day. I have a Spanish test later that I feel only 15% for. I have a presentation to give tomorrow on a paper that I got a terrible grade on. This presentation is apparently supposed to happen 5 minutes after I am scheduled to have the Spanish interview portion of my final. Who doesn't see that happening? I have an 8page paper to re-write and make longer, due Monday. I also have a final on Monday... and possibely a second final on Monday, but of course, I'm not sure. I also have about 4 online quizzes that I haven't taken yet as well as a PSA I have to film. And thats just acedemic school stuff. I got into a yelling match with a teacher yestarday when he was blatantly worng (God I felt like I was right back in grammer school) I also had a stunt "talk" with someone who I haven't seen nor really spoken to in about 3 weeks. I say stunt talk because it really wasn't a talk... I don't know what it was. I got what I wanted out of it, but some how didn't. I wasn't satisfied. So I don't really know where to go from there. Good gracious, (ass is bodacious) all this and I have to get a Christmas tree on Saturday.
But I guess I'm in an ok mood. I have my glorious silver travel coffee mug next to me in this way to crowded computer lab. Yes its cold, but its good. I have this weird light headed feeling and I can't seem to focus on anything and nothing really seems real... but it's better than the headache I KNOW I'm going to have later. I guess it's all just because last night Paula put some things in perspective for me. In short... It could always be worse.
Well I feel like I had so much more to write besides complaining but I guess I don't. Ummm Lord of the Rings: Return of the King the extended edition comes out Tuesday. Who's excited?
Ok only my hand went up. But I don't have any dinero for it... I'm gonna have to suck dick for quarters again.
Damn.
Well, I'm going to try and cram some more espanol into my floating head. Love and kisses homies!
Lauren*
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/pink/silly.gif) weird
Current Music: c o m p u t e r l a b
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December 6th, 2004
02:14 pm - Fudge pops and sluts in training
THIS ENTRY HAS BEEN MODIFIED!!!!!!!
So this is not a depressing entry *sorry to those of you counting on one*
* *** * ***! Well more so Michelle did. But its staying with us for a while and its absolutely adorable and I love it... and I am not a *** person. I dont want him to leave. = (
I hung out with my mom and dad over the weekend and it was fun. My mother and I visited my cousins and that was intresting, always is. My dad took me to go see Polar Express because he's totally gay for it ; ) His house is so decorated, when you drive down the street it looks like the sun is rising.
We are getting a tree next weekend and I'm super excited cause I'm crazy about christmas. I think I'm gonna try and throw a christmas party but I dunno who the hell i would invite. I'll just be me michelle and Newman, drinking egg nog and singing carols.
So right now I'm in the computer lab looking with Bill at guitars. I want one. He's like getting me super into it. That's right, I'm learning how to skateboard and now I want a guitar so I can learn how to play. Next time you see me I'll have tons of eyeliner, a tie, and an attitude. Screw you Avril, Lauren's in town.
As for the title of this entry, X-Staci, G-Spot and Ms. Timbs get it. Chatrooms and the 732 are the funniest thing ever!
Well I have to go to my dreaded ethics class now *warf* Tootles little bitches!
Lauren*
Current Mood: I have to pee
Current Music: Computer lab noises... where are the cool kids are
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December 5th, 2004
12:55 pm - Yeeaaaahhh
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/pink/cheerful.gif) amused
Current Music: Ryan
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November 22nd, 2004
06:22 am - And since I'm in the mood to share my writing shit...
This is everything it wasn’t supposed to be
Who knew itd break down who I believed myself to be
and I cant look back at a single moment without regret
cause I know I didnt try my very best
at anything
and when the hardest thing about life is living
I know its not ok to be this way
and day to day makes makes way for nights of tears
I hope I havent made my home here
you’ll never see me this way again
tonight I’ve decided not to pretend
dropped my walls
called off the guards
so you can see
who tomorrow I wont be
the real me
youd never be able to tell
behind the smile burned a secret hell
my minds made up that ill never be sure of anything
only that the pain the morning brings
and every sunrise I’ve missed
and every boy I havent kissed
every day I let get away
reminds me of who I really am
and all the times I wished youd stayed
but my pride let you walk away
youll never see me this way again
cause tonight I’ve decided not to pretend
for you I dropped my walls
and called off the gaurds
so at least you can see
who tomorrow I wont let myself be
the real me
I can walk away but I’ve got nowhere to go
I’ve got so much inside but I’ll never show
I’m so in love but you’d never know
no one ever knows
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/pink/artistic.gif) creative
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shamalona2's journal