Captain Christina Davis

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 19:22:42 GMT

OK, before I start, most people who know me, know I have pretty weird dreams that have entire plots and what not. But I just took a nap and had the single most intricate dream I have ever had, and I have to put it down. I know where most of it came from, and as I write the dream, I will also try and explain where parts of it came from. Just as a background, this is like if Donnie Darko dropped acid, and is definately influenced by reading, a few months ago, about the new movie that is coming out later this year, Southland tales, and then not thinking about it till it was brought up the other day. Oh yeah, and what happens in my dream has NOTHING to do with the movie at all. Haha. That just makes it way weirder.

Oh yeah, and I'm weird ... so here goes...

This whole dream I have this awareness that I am in either the movie Southland Tales or that they are making a movie about this place that I live in. It weird though, because there are no cameras, at least not yet.

It begins with me strapped to a metal table and my feet are bare. There are these people around me watching, taking notes on what is happening. There is this thick metal plate pressing against the bottom of my feet and its glowing red. Its burning the bottom of my feet so Im squirming. I suddenly scream COLD!. The metal plate moves away from my feet just for a moment, then comes back, this time glowing blue. This time the plate is freezing cold, so cold its as painful as the burning hot plate. This happens back and forth for a bit, in order to get rid of the cold plate I have to ask for the hot one and vice versa. Then at one point I scream something and the people around me ask, What did you say? Did you say hot?. I shake my head no and yell out again, DAD!

One of the people surrounding me, who look doctor-esque, grabs my head and starts shaving it. Im thrashing to get out of his grasp, not because he is shaving my head but because he has me in this headlock with my mouth shut but my nose is stuffed, so I cant breathe. Finally I wrestle away from him and I start screaming saying he could have killed me. I was yelling at these guys who were moments ago seemingly torturing me with hot and cold metal plates however, I wasnt upset about that.

The dream then jumps to this other scene if you will. Im not exactly sure if the hot/cold metal plat torture scene happened a long time ago and I was remembering it in the dream, or what, because in this part I am not bald, and my feet are A.OK. Anyway, my roommate Michelle and I are walking through this big crowd. We are outside, but as in most dreams, things change and the outside slowly becomes an interior, like a mall. As we walk through the crowd some people are stopping to look at us, mainly me. We are walking not really saying much. I remember most people dressed in a lot of black, like black trench coats or they were just in black and white like an old movie. At this point, I remember thinking, wow, Kevin Smith is in Southland Tales, maybe i can meet him. ((This came from, most likely, on Monday night I went to go see Kevin Smith speak at Stockton University and he talked about his day long shoot on the set of Southland Tales and he talked a bit about Donnie Darko as well))

Michelle and I are still walking through this mall when a girl walks up to us and stops us. She says, very casually "You know the dead walk among you, right?" I look at her, then to Michelle, then back to her, and laughingly say, Yeah, we know.

At this point in my story I feel I should explain that in the dream, I knew she meant zombies. And apparently I also knew that zombies were a minimal threat. They were like deadly spiders or something, more afraid of you than you should be of them, and the only reason people were afraid is because 1 out of 100 would attack a person, and it would get all this attention, and everyone would then think every zombie was going to attack them. The only defense they had was that they blended in with the everyday people, they werent grotesque Romero zombies.

Anyway, the girl nods and walks away. We then resume walking until I bump into a man. I look up and its Samuel L. Jackson ((no doubt brought on by the continuous references to Snakes on a Plane made by my friends and I over the past week or so)). He looks strange though, he is not in color but in black and white he looks like a shitty t.v. screen version of himself. He has lines and snow and is fading in and out a bit. He was wearing that hat he always wears and this car phone ear piece thing. At first, Im excited because, after all, its the baddest mother fucker on earth, but then I realize something is off, I just felt it. Apparently so did Michelle, so we keep walking. Then, Mr. Jackson takes this little piece of cardboard and runs it against the back of my arm , hard. I turn and see hes smelling then licking the cardboard. Uh-oh zombie Jackson. Apparently he wanted to taste my dead skin cells like some sort of hobo zombie. We continue walking, creeped out, but not to concerned. We continue under this little bridge. Then, Mr. Hobo zombie Samuel L. Jackson decides he, in fact, is going to attack me, so he leaps over the bridge. I turn, not afraid, to fight him. For some reason, nothing frightened me like it did everyone else, I knew i would just destroy him. So up to me runs the zombie version of Mr. Glass, but then, out of nowhere, Tom Cruise, jumps out, and breaks Jacksons neck. Cruise looks normal, hes not black and white and hes not in some weird t.v. effect. He runs at me, apparently a zombie as well. I literally grab his ankles and swing him into a wall. I then follow this up with a jumble of bizarre moves that result in the most ridiculous images that lead to zombie Jerry McGuires death. One such move was having his legs TIED around me and hes hanging behind me like a sweatshirt. Then, like in most dreams, there is someone who just appears with what you need, and behind me there is a guy with a motorcycle. I lean back into the front wheel with Tom Cruises face. Really weird, I know.

Once hes dead, I leave, and of course no one really cares because he was a zombie but also, for some reason, because Im the one who killed him. Apparently I was a somebody, I just didnt know who or why.

After this, still in the mall, Michelle and I go into this music store. We pick up our purchases and go to the line. Then, Im staring at these documents on the counter of the store... either I had had them the whole time and was just now looking at them, or for some reason, they were on the counter of this record store, ((or maybe Im looking for sense where there is none)) but they were really important papers to me.

Im looking through them, looking for something in particular. There are these few people behind me who are talking and apparently one of them "knows who i am" and they are all talking about it. ((who was I?)) I was letting people pass me in line because Im engrossed in whatever I was reading. Finally the guy behind the counter asks me,

"What are you looking for?"

I reply, "My father."

"Your looking for your dad?"

"No, the date." Then Michelle interjects.

"The date your father died? "

I reply, "No, the date he will die." ((here is where Billy interjects, in real life, when told the story, ominous as balls!))

So then everyone just kind of looks at me, which, I guess I cant blame them.

Now we jump again to another scene with Michelle and I walking down a road, one that looks a lot like a road I know in Hamilton. We are with a group of other people and we are carrying things but Im not sure what they are. One girl in the group, she is short and round and we are talking about the plot and point of the movie Southland Tales which we are either in, or are a part of so in effect, are discussing the meaning of our lives. Apparently in the movie/our world ... we are all going to die, we all know this, in some kind of sudden way. Its was something we all have known since birth. The best example I could think of to explain this once I woke up is to imagine the sun exploding. While it isnt going to happen for like trillions of years, once it does, we would all be fried. But imagine being born within like 20 years of it happening. You know from birth, because of science that suddenly one day your world will end.

Well in my dream, it wasnt the sun exploding, it was something else. We just knew that soon, in a matter of months, it was ending for us, our entire universe. ((this is Donnie Darko right here the whole countdown and such.)) We knew it had to do with an explosion and some other place. But I knew that some people were going to die before others which didnt make sense to me, like how would some die before others if it was supposed to be an explosion? And how did I know this?

I tell my short chubby friend that maybe the point is that in order for us to move on, to grow older, the other place, which was really another universe, would have to destroy us, in order to exist. The Universe being infinite, would need to destroy itself, the old version, in order to be again, be new, replace itself. In order to change, you have to no longer be what you were. We were being destroyed in order for the newer universe to exist but why? But apparently this girl understood.

We are still walking and we all go to cross a street and it has one of those timer lights that tells you when the light is going to change green. I start running across but for some reason Im last, and whatever Im holding is weighing me down. I see everyone is on the other side yelling to me to hurry up but i cant, and I can see the timer running out on the light. Finally the lights change but the cars dont move, like they see me and they are afraid... all except one orange X-Terra, ((which is one of my favorite cars thats probably why it was there though not too much of a fan of it in this color)) The truck drives right into me but Im not afraid. Instead I finally drop what Im holding, get hit by the truck, roll to the top, and grab the racks on the top ... Im such an action hero.

This part is a little fuzzy but I know I was being chased and this time I am very afraid which I really havent been the whole dream. However, I dont see whats chasing me, its like a point of view shot from the pursuer ... and its like flying behind me.

After a bit the car stops and we are at a mountain range, which is less like a mountain range, and more like a concrete hill that is by the train station in my hometown. But this version seems to be overrun with weeds and covered in dirt and rock. I get off the truck, and Im not sure if the driver was my brother, or if he was just there, but in any case, there was my brother, and our friend Henry. They pull me behind a rock, and I see guns laying on the ground. I pick one up and we start shooting up at these people behind another rock up the hill. We were playing Halo, but we were actually in the game, or were the game. We were the characters, we shoot, we picked up weapons and all ... but I have no clue who we are playing against. ((this is most likely from the fact that when Im home I play Halo with my brother like 3 times a day))

Anyway, at one point i run away, eluding the other team, and breaking away from my teammates. I run into this swamp and run right past this guy hiding waist deep in the water of the swamp. I double back and see its my father. Im so excited to see him but he wants me to leave and I dont understand why. I want him to tell me something, a secret he knows but he insists I leave for now. He says that if I dont go he will die sooner than hes supposed to. Im so confused by this, then all of a sudden these little creatures come up and starting eating him, and Im helpless to save him. I think these were the things following me when I was on the truck. My father then died, which is tragic and I feel guilty because they followed me too him. I start wandering out of the swamp ((this is also where I started waking up)) As I leave the swamp behind, I see all my friends like the short round girl and Michelle holding cameras, like they are a camera crew, and they are aiming at me. But I dont walk towards them, I dont acknowledge them as filming me, like I was acting. It was so strange

Then I woke up and told everyone about this absurd dream.

So there it is! Exciting right?

the holiday season

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 07:52:20 GMT

i've only visited this site on seldom occasion recently, and it has only been to check up on some people's lives. i have suppressed the need to purge myself of any sadness here because i feel it has become a sort of cheap attempt to get sympathy. a whoring out of my feelings. however, since most the people on here (actually all if i'm not mistaken) are around my age, and may have gone through some of the experiences i am going through now, i feel the internet, and it's ability for faceless gut spilling, and anonymous intimacy, is a good place to vent.
i am a girl without a home. this is not literal. this is merely emotional. school for me was once a get away, a place to escape the family for a while. however, i find myself not wanting to be here. however, the family i was once attempting to escape, seems to be no more, or, at least, is in danger of extinction.
everyone fights with their family. everyone has brutal fights with siblings and parents. this is where i hope that i can include that if not everyone, at least some of them can fix it, make it right, make it home again. my home is a bloodless war zone. we defend ourselves and show little to no mercy to the enemies aka each other. sadly, we are short on allies. we are lonely... together.
my mother and my brother spend the most time together, since they both still reside in the same house in Iselin. from what i know, they do not speak much anymore, unless it is in condescending tones, or using insulting language. this relationship is, indeed, a complicated one. until a few years back, he was always the mama's boy, they always got along. they were the unit i hated when i was younger. i felt very much as the outsider. now, they are at odds more than i ever was with them. she is struggling with empty nest syndrome, despite having a child still living at home. she worries, she obsesses, she nags, she desires to have her little boy back. as angry as she gets, no wrong he commits, is ever wrong enough. he in turn, does, pretty much, whatever he wants, but at the small price of her constantly on his back about everything. he fights her for freedom, but seems to take for granted what he has.
she is a woman obsessed, he is a boy unaware or uncaring... or both.
this is my household.
My father, who now lives in Rahway, spends more time with them then i do... i think. there is some sort of resentment, anger, or something i can't articulate, between my father and my brother. i know my brother thinks my father tries to hard to be liked by us, to be our friends rather than a father, and at the same time my father feels my brother uses him. my mother often turns to my father for support, but then in turn shit talks him when he is not around.
my involvement in this cannot be written without sounding bias. no matter how i try, i think i will never capture my role in it as any outsider would. there are always two sides. my feelings however, are ones of jealousy, helplessness, anger, and the staggering, overwhelming feeling of being lonely.
all, just in time for the holidays.
i feel this "situation" we are in is brought more to light during the holiday season. But I love Christmas and the holiday season so much, I feel the need to save it, somehow, if not for us, for myself, at the very least.
So I don’t come here for pity, I come here for advice, your thoughts and whatever else.
Well I guess that’s all for now.
thanks

an apology

Tue, 10 May 2005 12:36:13 GMT

from last entry....
"today we are taking the pirate SHIT to the 732 and getting some shit done including hanging out with a real life weather man!"

it is not a pirate shit... it is a pirate shiP! I dunno how that happened. I am truly sorry. i just caught this mistake myself and i am truly mortified. please, forgive me!

i'd be more worried about cy-otes if i were you! *gus chiggins

Fri, 06 May 2005 18:01:51 GMT

so whats been up?
shannon o'connor and rich e. came up to school and we went to princeton with roomate, paula, ronnie and myself. we ate at panera and walked around to some cool places including the princeton record exchange. then we got back to capmus around 930. the rest of the night was spent drinking wine and watching will ferrell and laughing and telling stories.
next morning they left and roomate and i got ready to head back to my new love, philly. we met ray again and hung out on souff street. good times. i heart the bean cafe!
paula and i drove back barely making it over the state line to get cheap(er) gas.
then i drove home and hung out with my jamesy pooh bear, and that communist kid anton. we had some cocoa at the palmers while james told us tales of his incredible trip to ... well to every cool place in europe. he had pics, video and even poetry to go along with all his stories.
wicked.
i went to the dentist thursday morning. blah.
came back to school and roomate insisted we go to applebees so we split a plate of honey chicken strips and mashed potatoes, then we gazed into each others eyes romantically for about an hour before peacing out and heading back to school.
hung out with gus chiggins. did some work. slept... barely
allergies suck
finished my law and order svu paper. now all that remains in my path is the dreaded, evil, communication law final.
pray for me.

today we are taking the pirate shit to the 732 and getting some shit done including hanging out with a real life weather man! wow! exciting! mitchel and tom-ass are supposed to come by and help me out with my couch. i really just wanna see them so we can have a big three way hug that last for a full 2 minutes.
i'm pretty sure ive worn this same shirt the past 4 days... around and to bed.
these socks are nasty too.
better bathe.

mmm roomie made awesome oatmeal!

thats it!

Ellie, miss you. are we really going to europe??? gottaq talk to you about this summer!

song to download: afternoon delight by ron burgundy and the whole channel 4 news team! "if you dont think is the greatest song ever made, i will fight you"

Mon, 02 May 2005 05:25:17 GMT

haven't updated in a really long time and i guess i have a lot to say...

but i wont now.

today i drove to school from home and paula, alisha and I went to asbury park to check out some of the bands playing outside at bamboozeled. we met up with ashely and charlie then cj and malka for a minute. after hanging around with scene kids, punk rawkers, and kids playing dress up, we headed to philly were we met alisha's really cool friend ray. after almost 4 near death experiences, one being a left turn onto a one way street... us going the wrong way, we finally parked and made our way to south street. we went to some really cool stores and i definately want to go back to restrospective, a thrift shop with rad stuff. i also noticed two new trends that need to be spread for their pure re-dick-ulousness. one was the shirts that read things like "I love being black" or more simply "I am black" ... like ya know, in case we were color blind or something. after seriously considering buying one for ellie, i noticed another trend... bely buckles with scrolling text. i cant even describe these in full detail. its like have a news tinker above your crotch. who invented this? this guy and girl were walking down the street wearing about 35 of them all over their bodies and selling them. i just laughed.
we went to condom kingdom and made alisha very un-cum-fortable, and some cool other shops. paula and i ate a pizzera then found this awesome coffee shop called s0omething with the word bean in it. i wanted to make a "flick your bean" joke but after alisha and ray met up with us, i didnt know if that joke would be ok yet since ray and i are only in the first stages of our ever blossoming friendship. we stayed in the coffee joint and just talked and laughed for like 2 hours. i stared down every hot guy who came in of all ages, races, creeds, backgrounds.... i need to go back to philly! haha
the ride home was great. we had some great convo and even turned the music off for it ((you know its good convo when the green goblin shuts down the d.j. booth))
now im in my room and am psyched that my final isnt tomorrow but tuesday
yessssssssssssss!

well thats it for now.

ellie i miss you and talked about you non-stop tonight. you truly are my hetero-lifemate hehehe

night homies!

songs to listen to: "aside" the weakerthans
"sugar, we're going down" fall out boy
"california waiting" kings of leon
"open like the ocean" midtown

movie to see: "The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" very bizzare but fun. watch out for the part with the thermo missle/sperm whale and the yarn part... loved them.

i'm wearing a gasoline dress and a lit match accessory

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 06:33:20 GMT

…and while I still consider myself, a good person, a good friend, I have my regrets. And as time goes and age comes, I find myself building walls and putting people on the outside. I don’t try anymore and I don’t give chances, not as many. Once, I used to see the good in a person, even when they couldn’t, and, relentlessly I would pursue it, to prove my point, to make them see, but I drove so many away. And I honestly haven’t the strength any more. So when I’m angry, hurt, etc etc etc … you may never know it, because I have learned the cold lesson of how not to show it. I don’t have the energy like I used to, to fight, to try, to salvage, to care. And people walk away, and I just don’t care anymore. People stay and I just don’t care. Ive washed my hands of so many people, am I better off? I wonder…
Im comfortable now with this feeling of not feeling. It’s safe and nobody seems to mind.
Im terrified of the l-o-v-e word though I yearn for its meaning daily, hourly…minutely??? I envision it in a letterbox screen and music to set a kiss to. Perfect and passionate. But that’s not me, that’s not who I am.
I wish I could say everything, everything, everything inside.
Well goodnight for now goldilocks

we were supposed to both update but i'm the only one who did = *

because stacy liked it so much... ((EMO ALERT!))

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 09:51:19 GMT

3:36AM 03/02/05

Tonight I went on a car ride alone with 2 other people. I had a moment, a long one. Its certain moments, that stretch on longer than minutes that I lose myself in my mind and im aware of everything and at the same time aware that I know nothing. Three of us sitting in the mustang searching for an open d&d. I didn’t really want coffee I just wanted to get out. And with my knees pressed against the dashboard I couldn’t help but think about these feelings that have been coming over me. The feeling of wanting to stretch, to move, to get out, the feeling that I have become bigger than my confines, and its time for me to move on move up and out. And as the three of us sat alone on our car ride I realized we were like movies. ((Everything I know and think is like a movie, so please excuse my comparison))… but our minds were like three movies running at the same time, but none of us could see the other one. that’s what I imagined anyway, that the images and thoughts going through our minds were our own little films never ending and never really beginning, and we all could see them so perfectly, but even if we tried, we could never ever show them to each other. And that’s the way it is all the time, with everyone. So there we were together but alone on a car ride, with only our little movies running and the cd player giving us background music, to set our scenes to.
Its thoughts like this that push that constant lonely/empty feeling up to my throat and let it linger there until I can gather the strength to swallow it back down. And there I am in the passenger window. My hair, my eyes, my skin, my lips that move to form the words of the song I’m not even listening to but still they move perfectly to the words. There I am in the mirror but I don’t know what I’m seeing, though I know, what I’d like to see. And even if I could, I’ll never know what anyone else sees. And it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Because I’ll never know why even your closest friends, can walk away, because I‘ll never know how they see me in that mirror, or how they even see themselves. Or wish to see themselves. I see, as we get older, we get colder, and no one wants to talk about these things and everyones guard is up, bracing themselves, growing harder and more distant, lost in their lonely car rides with empty movie theaters. We do this to avoid accidents and things that can hurt us. We become ever watchful, careful, forgetting to take risks, forgetting hurt. Things change and people you know, you find out you don’t. growing up changes you no matter how hard you fake otherwise. No matter how hard you wish it didn’t.
And I cant help wondering what goes through the boy in the back seats mind when hes quiet. He’s always quiet, even when he’s talking. I know I’m never quiet but I know that most of the time when I’m speaking, I’m not really saying anything. I just want someone, anyone, everyone, to look at me, and see me. But I can’t even see myself in the passenger side mirror, even when I’m looking at my skin, and eyes, and hair, and mouth, singing the words to some song. I want someone to see me at least a little like I want to myself. Maybe see more than that. Maybe. I live for those moments when I think someone has, those brief moments where maybe someone can see my movie and I can see theirs. It’s like the blinkers on cars. They both motion to go the same way but they are out of synch, except, maybe, sometimes, for a moment, they match up, they synch up, they get it together. Then the moment passes and they fall back out of synch and eventually they turn and drive away.
It boggles my mind that we are so similar and going in similar directions, yet we all are so different. We are given these things, these things that make us all like one another, yet we mold them to be different, to some sort of identity. Freedom inside constraints.
We drove and I looked at passing cars and into houses wondering where they were going or what they were doing. Where they sleeping in the houses, if so were they dreaming, what were they dreaming? Where were those cars going? How are these people living their lives? What are their movies and have they actually brought any scenes to real life? Were people looking into our car wondering the same? Where people in those houses looking at windows and hoping for a reflection of themselves, and not just hair, eyes, skin and lips… maybe mouthing words to some song in their movie?
I wanted to write this so bad, I thought about it in the car and even asked the driver if she ever wanted to record her thoughts, because, of course, it hasn’t come out the way it should have.
It never will. I can never show you my movie, or give you the script and the narration. Its there and its gone, replaced with something else. The wheels keep rolling and the objects on the other side of the glass keep being replaced with something else to look at. But these feelings, they never go away, they just get glossed over, and prettied up with a smile, a joke, a something, an anything. But they are always there. Still I have this crazy notion, this crazy feeling some call hope,((but for what?)) those moments, when someone can get into the car with me, maybe see a shot, a single frame. Even if after its done, they get out of the car, leave the theater, and never come back, at least I know they have seen a piece of me.
And though we kept the conversation surface I know there was more underneath. I just don’t understand how I could be the only one who wants to be seen. I want to let everyone in, but I just don’t know if I can anymore.
The car ride ends, the theater still empty… but the smile always on.

4:48AM

THIS SONG GOT SOUL TO IT!!!!

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 10:26:44 GMT

NO MORE DRAMA

So tired, tired of all this drama
You go your way and I'll go my way
(No more, no more)
I need to be free
I'm so tired, tired, tired from all this drama

Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
'Cos I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

(No more pain) No more pain
(No more pain) No more pain
(No drama) No more drama in my life
(No more in my life)
No one's gonna make me hurt again

Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn't be around
But maybe I like the stress
'Cos I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more

(No more pain) No more pain, no more pain
(No more games) No more games
Messin' with my mind
(No drama) No more drama in my life
(No more in my life)
No one's gonna make me hurt again, no more
(No more tears)
No more tears, I'm tired of crying every night
(No more fears)
No more fears, I really don't wanna fight
(No drama) No more drama in my life
I don't ever wanna hurt again
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind

Oh, It feels so good
When you let go of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the games
Free from all the pain
Free from all the stress
To find your happiness

I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or lose
And I choose to win

(No more pain)
No more pain, no more pain, tired of hurting
(No more games)
Tired of your playin' games with my mind
(No drama) No more drama in my life
(No more in my life)
No more, no more, no more
No more, no more, no more
(No more tears)
No more tears, no more crying every night
(No more fears)
No more waking me up in the morning with your disturbing phone calls
(No drama) Leave me alone, go ahead
(No more in my life)

(No more pain) No more, I'm tired
(No more game)
No more games, I'm tired, I'm so tired
(No drama) No more, no more
(No more in my life)
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more

(No more drama)
I'm tired of all the drama
(No more drama)
Go 'head, go 'head
(No more drama)
Your demons gettin' out of my face
Goin' out my life
(No more drama)
I'm about to lose my mind
Lord help me, help me sing

No more drama

Oh help me sing
I need a piece of mind
A piece of mind, piece of mind
Well, I need
I need to know that you agree
Oh no, oh no
No more, no more, no more drama
No more drama in my, in my life

So tired, I'm so tired
So tired, tired of all this drama
Go ahead with all your drama

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 02:04:44 GMT

i'm getting very frustrated with livejournal. why cant i use rich text? why cant i make spaces between lines? frustration here!!! people dont wanna read one giant paragraph, they want spacing, chapters... IT RUINS EVERYTHING!!!

MONDAY

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 09:26:57 GMT

Monday was bills 21st birthday. im sorry i forgot, im a turd. but i totally scored a cool personalized jones soda "green apple soda" bottle that had bill and becca dressed as pirates on the front. Ken wa wasted and farted and i missed the beginning but im glad i got to see them.

im sorry i forgot monday... i am fecal matter!

Lauren*

blondest night ever

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 22:05:45 GMT

before i tell you about the insane stupity and airheadness i suffered this evening, i thought that maybe it was best i tell you about my week up to this point. MONDAY I dont remember monday. TUESDAY My new roomie Alisha moved in and things went pretty well. the room is set up very cool and has been called "cozy" and "comfy" I myself am too a fan of the room. GOOD ONE! That night i went to bed and felt fine, ready to tackle my 830 to 1130 the next morning. Then the attack came... cramps. fun So i lay on the bathroom floor, gagging, and squirming in pain. But this was no ordinary period pain, it was shooting through my legs, i couldnt walk, stand up, or even sit up straight. i felt like i had to poop and throw up but neither happened. it was choas all caused by my uterus. and my damn period was a week early. well at least i wasnt the next emmaculate conception right? Anyway, around 7am, i did what anyone in college, a month away from their 21st birthday would do. I called mommy. I cried and cried about the pain into the phone hoping some motherly words of comfort would seep through the telephone lines and make the pain go away. Instead,she picked up another phone, called my campus, then security, and they came to get me ((after i woke my brand new roomie up crying like a child and proably freaking the shit outta her)). A very nerveous man came to my door and helped me into the truck. I asked him to take me to the hospital but he said he would need to call an ambulance. NO DICE GRANDMA! So he and i drove to the infirmary, and we went in a half an hour before it opened. I laid on another bathroom floor and gagged and cried some more, while the sweet security gaurd yelled at the cleaning crew who insisted on cleaning while i was bent over a toilet. Then the nurse came in and asked me questions and gave me magic pills and let me sleep. I felt slightly better when 6pm rolled around and my parents came to get me. The rest of the night and into... WEDNESDAY i started feeling a little better though not much. My mom drove me back to school and then i hung around till about 645. then a few of us made our way over to the student center where matthew shepards mother, judy shepard spoke. there were so many people we had to sit in another room and watch her on a projector. yeah i cried like a baby when she read her impact speech, and when she talked about her son. it was crazy, so intense. for the question and answer portion we snuck into the main room where she was speaking and sat on the floor. i almost cried again when she talked about the anti-matt people who held up signs such as "AIDS kills fags" and "Matthew is in hell" So much hate, so little reason. I wont get into to much detail, but it really effected me. Anyway, on a lighter note, we ordered mass amounts of pizza and watched svu and newly weds ((hate that show)) I passed out and woke up on glorious... THURSDAY Today started out well. Went to acting class, had fun there, then shannon o'malley came by. I havent seen her in so long but when she walked in it was pretty much like old times, which may be good or bad, but at the time,it was nice. We went to Dalys and met up with derio and had some dinner with him and his girlfriend. it was fun. but then.... PROLOUGE TO ADVENTURE OF THE BLONDE Shannon and I went to my car and we drove ronny and paula to the train station. then, with little time to spare before our night class, we drove back to campus, parked next to the building leaving my hazards on, and went in to finish up some homework and print it out. the printer wasnt working so i raced over to the fine arts building out the front door. it never printed properly but my teacher said i could just email it to her later. after class i met up with shannon in the library and we decided we were hungry again, so we called morgan and off to applebees we went, ((after dicking around with derio and his friend for like 20 minutes)) Applebees was very nice and fun... i love the song jellyhead... download it now if you dont have it.... ya gotta dance to it. anyway, we pulled into campus and i remembered i didnt have my cigs on me. oh i must have left them in my car. thus began ... ADVENTURE OF THE BLONDE: chapter 1- The Realization me- where did i park my car? shannon- i dunno. me (loooooooong pause) Did i park my car? i didnt did i. (huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge pause) me- i left it parked next to kroner didnt i so we drove back to kroner and guess what we found! nothing "I lost my car" i repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again and again... sometimes it was funny, sometimes it was bizzare. i couldnt wrap my mind around it. How do you forget a car? HOW! HOW DO YOU FORGET A CAR WITH ITS HAZARDS ON!!! we went to security and they told us where to go to find it. so shannon and i embarked on the next chapter of our journey. chapter 2- The Gates of Hell After following shitty directions to behind a pool hall, we found ourselves on a muddy dark road with our headlights shining on a metal chain link fence that had signs on it that read as follows: "NO CUSTOMERS BEYOND THIS POINT" and "BEWARE OF DOG" There were multiple dogs, by the way, stalking back and forth. They were huge and i bet they loved young girl flesh stuck between their huge sharp fangs. Shannon and i laughed nerveously, but mind you, we were nerveous. Then we saw him... David Burkawitz (sp?) and Micheal Myers child, slowly, slowly, s l o w l y walking towards us, emerging from the shadows in his blue mechanic outfit ((just like micheal mysers!!!!)) He moved the gate partly aside and made sure the foaming dogs didnt get to us... before he did. Shannon rolled her window down and he lowered his death glare to ours. Shannon- hi, we lost our car, it got towed. scary- yeah me- can we get it back??? scary- wheres it from shannon- rider scary- yeah... ill find where it was he didnt even ask what kinda car. he walked back into the gates of hell and his little apprentices aka the blood thirsty canine circled him, not wanting to harm their dark prince master. he came back and directed us to my car. he informed us he had locked the dogs up and slid back the gates to hell. we drove in and found her, alone and scared. the green goblin stood there, feeling forgotten inside hell. Chapter 3- On the inside I grabbed my keys and bolted to the car hoping that the serial killer had really locked up his attack dogs. I stuck my keys in the ignition, turned and... nothing. Damnit. Since i had left the hazards and the lights on the battery had died. Oh shit... now we needed to ask lucifer for a jump. he pulled his machine of death, commonly confused with a tow truck, up to my car. as i waited i stared down at the hardened mud and saw the foot prints of the two roaming beasts, most likely waiting in the shadows, staring, getting ready to pounce on their midnight snack. but, instead of untimely death, i got a jump. my car drove towards the gate and "tito" shannons car follwed. Once again we were faced with the gates of hell, only this time, we were ((hopefully)) leaving them. OH NO! THEY WERE CLOSED! The machine of death pulled up slowly next to my car and i thought for sure he would get out laughing, gripping his chainsaw tightly howling "YOU DIDNT REALLY THINK YOUD LEAVE DID YOU HAHAHAHHA!" But instead, he slid open the gate. shannon and i peeled out, narrowly escaping hells ferocious grip. Chapter 4- The aftermath We arrived at rider in one peice and we told our story to anyone we came across ((that being like 1 person)) I parked my green goblin then looked back at it for a moment. The memories that we have shared, the trips, the urban camping, the living away from home, the street racing... all of it. oil changes, gas refills, broken side mirrors,scratches, dents, dings, and bumps. all this, and i hugged my beatiful lucy ((the green goblins real name... the green goblin being my car))shannon got a good laugh but she just doesnt understand our connection, we've been through to much together. I walked away from lucy that night a little wiser, a little stronger, and much more appriciative of a friend with a wad of money and willing to lend. EPILOUGE The green goblin has since been on adventures since that fateful night. Only a few hours after, it made a drive in the dangeroues snow towards the Crystal diner so i could have a 3am snack with the tke boys. i told jesus i could have used him when i was in hell earlier that night... but he was busy playing poker with the other tke boys. today ((in case you didnt notice it has taken me a span of 2 days to type this entry, starting thursday night, ending friday afternoon.)) it rolled back to the train station to drop off my roomate. i didnt forget to park it this time, lucy is safe. MORAL? i think we all learned a valuable lesson and we are all better people for having gone through it or at least have read about it.a car is like a child, dont ever forget it. i forgot mine for 6 hours, and if my car was a child,and i had forgotten my child in say a supermarket, the child would surely have been a member of a kiddy porn ring after 6 hours. i wouldnt waznt lucy in a car porn ring, or my child towed away... so you see? no... you ingrates. now i just need to get that $150... damn.

damn 3am internet outages!

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 08:22:27 GMT

for those of you keeping track, i havent written in awhile. well i guess i have but only in the rider livejournal section, leaving fans who get to this site through my aim profile feeling, neglected. So here i be, back, badder, and better than ever (contradiction? i think not.)
i must say, again, that becca has the best livejournal. best pictures, best posts, best hair, best everything... no i'm not gay nor am i the stalker breathing heavily into her phone... i swear. i dont read friends posts enough, which is wrong of me, because they read mine. then when i feel guilty and do so on such nights as this, i'm always amazed at what i find and read. and there are so many times that i wish i had gone through certain experiences with that person. i have cut major people from my life, though not entirely, which may be worse. then i just come off as a flake. to becca, linny, bill and anyone else i have flaked out on numerous occassions... i'm sorry, truly.
have i said this before?
oh hell yes. but i am sorry. you guys are my first real friends here and you havent cut me off (yet?)
thank you for putting up with my flakiness (dandruff?) my drunkenisity (new word?) and just general crap.
thanks for being there for me even if it wasnt up close... because thats my own fault.

anyway, school is going alright so far... all 5 days of it. i (of course) have no books but thats mostly my fault, so i'm already behind. but i'm gonna catch up.... gonna gonna gonna. i started talking to some people i lost touch with a bit again which is nice. i'm getting a new roomate and she seems pretty cool and she sounds like she might be able to put up with me! (always a plus)i like my acting class a lot. the first day the teacher and i were both wearing gray turtle necks and black jeans with black shoes. we both also crossed our legs. i was frightened, so i uncrossed them, as did he. (weird)

I miss ellie terribely and i feel that there is no easy way to stay in touch. long emails get boring to read and write after a while and nothing can capture a moment like your own memory. she and i are never online at the same time and i havent been down to buy phone cards. my video camera is still being repaired and basically i suck! damn you brazil for tempting my best friend away for six months! curses to you and your freakishly gorgeous women!

i need to start my job back at the diner (gag me) I need the money more and more everyday. i want to live in a commune... however you spell it.
oh that reminds me... i cant spell, and i dont care anymore! ive given up... spell check mocks me so you know what... FUCK YOU SPELL CHECK! I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME THE PRECISE ORDER OF THESE SYMBOLS YOU CALL LETTERS THAT FORM GIBBERISH YOU CALL WORDS! HOWS THIS: ^3V@FGHBJk0 *8 *(O
do you know what that says? no? GOOD BECAUSE I AM NOT BOUND BY THE SAME CONFINES THAT OPRESS YOU!

whoa... sorry, had a moment. im very spaztic tonight, forgive me.
my aim is acting dopey. keeps leaving me. bastard, arent all these messaging systems the same? (lights cig) good to you one minute, quit on you the next. and you think you dont need them but once they're gone, your lost. oh god, story of my life.

ok im gonna stop writing before people stop being my friend.

love you all

Lauren*

PROBLEM

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 16:56:06 GMT

So silly me thought after both my roomates moved out I would get to keep my three person apartment to myself. However I received a phone call this morning saying that aint the case. I have to find at least one more roomate to move in with me or I have to move out. This is so fucking irratating. now i have to search for a new roomy cause i cant think of anyone to ask!!!!

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 23:28:22 GMT

Ahh, a new year, a fresh start, (supposedly). I haven't posted in this thing in sooo long, so long in fact, I had to go back through my journal to find what I even wrote about last. And of course, I was watching Lord of the Rings... and right now I'm watching the second one. So I guess that fresh start thing I said in the beginning was bogus!

Anyway, a lot has happened since I last posted. I won't write about it all because its far to much. I made it out of this last semester alive, despite the fact it got terrible towards the end. I no longer have a roomate in the apartment. So in a room built for three, I live alone. That kinda sucked cause Michelle rocked my socks and we got along really well. The idea of going back to school is both one that makes me cringe and one that makes me happy. I cringe because going back to school means loooong boring nights spent alone in my room since I now have a very minimal number of friends there. But happy because at least at school I have some sense of purpose, even if it does stress me out to the edges of sanity. I also can escape the constant battles, both silent and verbal, that are waged in my household.

Anyway, christmas was mighty good to me. I got a laptop, a real nice one, and I shook with excitment when I opened it. My brother also got me a new skateboard that his girlfriend and I put together. Almost every night I've been going out skating, trying to get better at it. I'm working on sharper turns right now... isnt that exciting? I found out a few people I hang with actually know how to get around on a board, X-Staci being a surprising one, (you little shredster you).

New Years was ummmm intresting. After Elissa's "short" party ended, we headed to o'conners boyfriend jeff's house. It started with liz, x-staci, and me sitting on the kitchen floor (why?) drinking and torturing jeff's dog precious. We kept petending to be Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. We were cracking up. Then all of a sudden the whole house was shoved into this tiny kitchen, legs and arms everywhere, and everyone talking and laughing and it was fun..... especially when precious delivered the running crap right next to me and liz!!! hahaha. BUSHWHACKED!

Anyway, ellie leaves for Brazil in a few days, which really really sucks. I'm driving her to the airport so I'll get to give my goodbye, and I'll proably be a baby and get all upset and shit. Well I hope she has fun and doesnt get pregnant at carnival.

well i gotta get my ass up and head over to a 732 thing at kristyn's house. ttyl!!!

LOVE BECCA'S HAIR!!!

Lauren*

ps. Ashlee simpson "autobiography" is my theme song! ok ok im a little late on the ashlee craze but i love it.

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 04:35:56 GMT

Totally watching Lord of the Rings Return of the King the extended edition by myself.

Oh to have friends!

Halfway up the hill....

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 21:41:41 GMT

So I gotta say... I'm feelin a little better. Right before the teacher handed out our Spanish quizzes for us to take, I was having a fit (as per usual) I am never ready for these things but apparently I was more ready then I thought. I was the last person to leave and I was sweating the whole thing out. I even busted my ass on the last section which was what I found out later to be extra credit. I made her grade my quiz then. The result?
100%

oh
yeah
baby!

But I'm not done with this shit yet. I have a few sleepless nights, about 6 more mental collapses, 15 more travel mugs of coffee, 21 more hours in a computer lab or library,46 more phone calls for support, about 4,000,000 thoughts of giving up and countless words from loved ones telling me not to.

So tonight agenda?

*Going to the library at 7 and working with my partner to make an amazing presentation for tomorrow. Then trying to figure out if I can give blood somewhere before the 20th and see if anyone would give blood for me before the 20th.

*Practicing my Spanish accent and speaking so I can ace the interview tomorrow.

*Adding to and fixing up my C 8 page paper. Oh it's gonna be like 15 pages long... 15 pages of glouriousness.

*Thinking of a decent Public Service Announcement commercial and deciding how and when I'm going to do it.

*Maybe eating at some point in the night... cause I'm running on one travel mug of coffee.

*Ummm sleep at some point maybe?

*Oh yeah, and breathing

Anyway, I'd love some of yall ta holla at a sista. Text me with love and I'm sure you'll all know how much it means to me.
Anyway, I've posted twice today and neither one was truly depressing... I'm on a roll!

Love ya all!
Lauren*

ps
Major props to that spaniard Paula for helpin a sista out!

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 18:11:42 GMT

So I had to change my last entry due to some incriminating details. I don't want to be gettin into any trouble now. Except anyone who was going to read that post proably already has, completely defeating my purpose. Oh well, I did what I could.

Anyway, considering the tremeunds shit storm my life has been lately, I'm not in to bad of a mood. I mean I should be, I have every right to be. I have soooo much to do its absolutely rediculous. Just MASSIVE amounts of shit is being loaded onto my back day by day. I have a Spanish test later that I feel only 15% for. I have a presentation to give tomorrow on a paper that I got a terrible grade on. This presentation is apparently supposed to happen 5 minutes after I am scheduled to have the Spanish interview portion of my final. Who doesn't see that happening? I have an 8page paper to re-write and make longer, due Monday. I also have a final on Monday... and possibely a second final on Monday, but of course, I'm not sure. I also have about 4 online quizzes that I haven't taken yet as well as a PSA I have to film. And thats just acedemic school stuff. I got into a yelling match with a teacher yestarday when he was blatantly worng (God I felt like I was right back in grammer school) I also had a stunt "talk" with someone who I haven't seen nor really spoken to in about 3 weeks. I say stunt talk because it really wasn't a talk... I don't know what it was. I got what I wanted out of it, but some how didn't. I wasn't satisfied. So I don't really know where to go from there. Good gracious, (ass is bodacious) all this and I have to get a Christmas tree on Saturday.

But I guess I'm in an ok mood. I have my glorious silver travel coffee mug next to me in this way to crowded computer lab. Yes its cold, but its good. I have this weird light headed feeling and I can't seem to focus on anything and nothing really seems real... but it's better than the headache I KNOW I'm going to have later. I guess it's all just because last night Paula put some things in perspective for me. In short... It could always be worse.

Well I feel like I had so much more to write besides complaining but I guess I don't. Ummm Lord of the Rings: Return of the King the extended edition comes out Tuesday. Who's excited?

Ok only my hand went up. But I don't have any dinero for it... I'm gonna have to suck dick for quarters again.

Damn.

Well, I'm going to try and cram some more espanol into my floating head. Love and kisses homies!

Lauren*

Fudge pops and sluts in training

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 19:47:12 GMT

THIS ENTRY HAS BEEN MODIFIED!!!!!!!

So this is not a depressing entry *sorry to those of you counting on one*
* *** * ***! Well more so Michelle did. But its staying with us for a while and its absolutely adorable and I love it... and I am not a *** person. I dont want him to leave. = (

I hung out with my mom and dad over the weekend and it was fun. My mother and I visited my cousins and that was intresting, always is. My dad took me to go see Polar Express because he's totally gay for it ; ) His house is so decorated, when you drive down the street it looks like the sun is rising.
We are getting a tree next weekend and I'm super excited cause I'm crazy about christmas. I think I'm gonna try and throw a christmas party but I dunno who the hell i would invite. I'll just be me michelle and Newman, drinking egg nog and singing carols.

So right now I'm in the computer lab looking with Bill at guitars. I want one. He's like getting me super into it. That's right, I'm learning how to skateboard and now I want a guitar so I can learn how to play. Next time you see me I'll have tons of eyeliner, a tie, and an attitude. Screw you Avril, Lauren's in town.

As for the title of this entry, X-Staci, G-Spot and Ms. Timbs get it. Chatrooms and the 732 are the funniest thing ever!

Well I have to go to my dreaded ethics class now *warf* Tootles little bitches!

Lauren*

Yeeaaaahhh

Sun, 05 Dec 2004 17:55:23 GMT


johnny depp is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

And since I'm in the mood to share my writing shit...

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 11:23:16 GMT

This is everything it wasn’t supposed to be
Who knew itd break down who I believed myself to be
and I cant look back at a single moment without regret
cause I know I didnt try my very best
at anything
and when the hardest thing about life is living
I know its not ok to be this way
and day to day makes makes way for nights of tears
I hope I havent made my home here

you’ll never see me this way again
tonight I’ve decided not to pretend
dropped my walls
called off the guards
so you can see
who tomorrow I wont be
the real me

youd never be able to tell
behind the smile burned a secret hell
my minds made up that ill never be sure of anything
only that the pain the morning brings
and every sunrise I’ve missed
and every boy I havent kissed
every day I let get away
reminds me of who I really am
and all the times I wished youd stayed
but my pride let you walk away

youll never see me this way again
cause tonight I’ve decided not to pretend
for you I dropped my walls
and called off the gaurds
so at least you can see
who tomorrow I wont let myself be
the real me

I can walk away but I’ve got nowhere to go
I’ve got so much inside but I’ll never show
I’m so in love but you’d never know
no one ever knows

Random Ravings of an over tired over stressed under stimulated college girl

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 10:55:17 GMT

So what is college to you all?

Drunken Parties?

Hard work?

Random hook-ups?

Life long friendships?

A mix of all of these?

Or none of the above?

Yes I have been lied to, or merely deceived myself. College has not been life altering, exciting, stimulating, interesting, nor anything remotely close to the image I have built up in my head. I do feel in many ways I have matured in certain areas but at the same time I feel my growth is stunted in many others.

I don't speak out or up against the injustices I see and hear everyday. That's not the old me. I let people treat me rotten and I turn the other cheek. I guess that can be considered a good thing, but I feel that I have not stood my ground, and standing up for yourself, no matter to whom, is a basic, important, right. I have been hurt, ditched, forgotten, blown off, name called, accused, blamed, picked on and well..... you know, the gaunlet of verbs a normal self pitying person would write.

But I havent lost my cool, not outwardly. There have been those nights where I tossed and turned till 530am and then cried the rest of the morning. I have taken long walks around campus in the biting cold as the sun is just beginning to spill over onto the earth, just to clear my head. But for what?

And I guess the answer is, for me.

I have found that many of the things I have done in college have not been for me. They have been to please those around me. A person I deeply detest could say something that completely offends me, and they would never know the raging storm they set off in me. I'm the master at playing cool, and letting things go. But why should I always let things go?

Is the answer to that "for me" as well?

Why should I let people, who claim to know me, tell me I'm a drama queen, or that I even envoke drama *random tbs quote*(I never made a scene, I didnt have to, they came to me)And I don't say boo back to them. But why? Is it because they arent worth it to me? Or is it because I have backed so far down from any form of confrontation, even though, deep down I know I'm right? Do I really care if they like me or have a positive image of me when I dont give a damn about them?

Or what about the people who blow me off or ditch me. The people who don't listen to anyone but themselves. The people I can't talk to without having my head bitten off. The people who I used to feel close to but now cant go a single conversation without trying to start some battle with me. Is it a game to them? Am I really seen as that person who always forgives so any action, including non-action, can be preformed targeted at me, and then it is assumed I will always be there no matter what. What if I wasn't? What if I up and left without a word. Or what if I shut the world out, as I am so often tempted to do? I dont understand how I can be so lonely and I havent even done that yet.

And for those of you with radicaly warped perceptions of me...

I am not a drunk. As a matter of a fact, I barely drink anymore. But if thats the way you want to see me, I'll play that role to you, because you dont want to see anything other than that. You want to be right, and for some reason, I'm willing to give that to you.

I am not an idiot. I know what I know and I know I'm deeper and more open minded than half the people I have come in contact with. I have feelings, and thoughts, ideas, and concepts that would blow the mind of so many people here. I dont need to prove you wrong to know I'm right. I don't need to make you feel dumber to make myself look smarter. But if dumb blonde is your veiw of me, then fine. Apparently, I'm ok with that.

I'm not made of stone. I do not like being left behind, or being forgotten. Remember I was there for you at some point. I would have been there for you, listened to your problems, held you while you cried, and in many cases, I have. Every time I wander these halls in search of company, it hurts when I am unsuccesful. When I come second or third or tenth in a list of people priorities over and over again it hurts. Though I have a stone cold face, I feel underneath.

So what is college to me, so far anyway? Well my college seems to be an advertisment for my highschool. People were much more laid back there. I had friends I could trust. I could talk to people without them making the world about them. I could be me openly and people accepted it or not, but I felt more free, less lonely.

Here people are bratty and oh my god spoiled. They think beauty in all things is surface. And everyone is fighting so hard to belong. So many people need to belong.

Weren't we supposed to find our independence in these four years? (or five... hey whatever it takes)Weren't those years of conformity thrown from us when we tossed our hats in the air at graduation day? Wasn't this all supposed to be about pushing ourselves to the limits, acedemically, emotionally, everything-ly? Isn't this when we became who we are going to be? Isn't this supposed to help us become real people?

Maybe these were the beliefs I built my dreams of college on. Maybe, in my third year here, this is what I finally need to persue. I should stop persuing the parties, the boys, the friends. Maybe I should just let go of the idea of those crazy expereinces that write the stories we tell everyone from that point on.

Maybe I should stop letting everything else, define me. I, at 20 years old, am without true definition. People may have their guesses, but I, the source, can tell you there is no wrong or right.

Maybe college is where and when and if I can define myself, or even if I want to be defined.

So for people who have a very simple veiw of me (and after this statement, "arrogant bitch" might be added to those preceptions) all I can tell you is fine, if thats how you choose to see me. But if you reduce people down to words and phrases you reduce yourself down to them as well.

So what does all this ranting mean? I'm not sure. It's almost 6 in the morning and I have so much to do. I needed to vent and had a place to do it. So again what does it all mean? I guess what it means to me isn't as imporant as to what it means to whoever reads it.

Is that abstract enough for ya Ellie (mwah)

Oh and I found this post I wrote a while back... still seems to fit...

10:59 pm I'm tired of my life, and the role I play to others. I don't like your perception of me. I'm not background noise.

(Leave a comment)

January 3rd, 2004

hmmm, we think we grow but oh how much we stay the same

So seriously, I'm curious? What is college to you?

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 15:56:11 GMT

So I have been kinda… down? Lately. I guess I’ve just been thinking a lot about stuff and when one over analyzes, it’s never a good thing.

Franzi left for Germany of Friday. She didn’t call me Thursday and we didn’t hang out like planned. She just left and I proably will never see her again. She was there for one of, if not the best time of my life. She also was proably the cause of it as well. We were so close. It’s not like I expected her and I to be B.F.F. all over again for the three weeks she was here, especially since I did such a shitty job of keeping in touch. But she didn’t even seem interested in seeing me or anyone else. Did she miss us? Or is it really just that it had been like 3 years and things are different and people change and grow apart and we just aren’t part of each others lives outside of memories? I don’t know, but it made me very sad.

I miss my boys. All of them as a combine unit. Henry has dropped out of my life completely and now has been reduced to just a name inside C.J.’s stories. Even C.J. and I aren’t that close anymore. We used to talk like every night and read our emo poetry to one another and just laugh about stupid crap that only he and I found funny. Karan is like this total stranger to me and that hurts a lot. I hope he knows I miss him and no matter what, I got his back because he’ll always be one of my best friends whether he deserves that or not. I guess he’s reached that bro level where you just wanna not care, but you can’t help worrying about him all the time. And even Derio, who I’ve known for the shortest time but still felt was going to be this long term friendship… I never see or talk to him at all anymore. Jesus, I talked to this kid at least every day if even to only check up on each others daily activities over the summer. Now that we are in the same state, on the same campus like 200 yards away from each other, it’s like we are in different countries. The boys upstairs I don’t really ever talk to and we kinda just hang out when we are in the same room together. It’s rather sad since I thought we used to be close but all that’s changed somehow.

People in general I have learned are rather flaky, one sided, and two faced. So worried about being cool and not worried enough about people that surround them, closest to them, their so called friends. Let me rethink and restate that sentence. Maybe people in general aren’t all those things, maybe its people on this campus. But from what it seems like, it’s just people in general.

I miss hanging out with Rebecca, Linny, and Bill. They were like my first friends here at school, well them and Ian who I guess should be added to my list of lost boys since he went to the dirty south in Florida. I just never have time to do anything and when I do it’s just so much easier to sit in my room and watch a movie than walk to people’s rooms. I suck, I know.

I guess I just feel people slipping away and it blows. It’s been bothering me a lot lately and at the same time it hasn’t, and I think that bothers me the most. I feel as though I’m isolating myself from people, becoming completely opposite of who I was in high school. My best friends in the world, my 732 to generalize it, there are things I don’t talk about with them. I mean pick one, anyone. Everyone has secrets they guard. I mean I may talk about something with Ellie that I can’t talk about with someone else, and vice versa. Then there are things I just can’t talk about anymore because I don’t want to burden people and I no longer want to have other people deal with things for me. I’m losing people, and pushing some away. It’s lonely. I mean I have Shannon O’Malley who is the best thing to ever happen to me with this whole college bit. But come on, one friend like that when I was promised “the friends and relationships that last forever”. High school built college up so much. God I’d kill to be back there. At least I knew who my friends were and I had some. I mean trust me, I can get by just fine with one real friend rather than a dozen stunt friends, but come on man… COLLEGE PEOPLE SUCK!

***this is a generalization, I repeat GENERALIZATION!!! I am aware that people in my group of friends here at Rider will read the sentence I have written and be offended. Don’t be… unless you suck…. Then you should be offended. But if you don’t, move on from that statement.***

OK well I have rambled far to long here about stupid stuff. I just needed to get it out, at least the outline of it, of what I have been feeling.

As for school, I’m definitely trying to better myself. I’ve been studying, figuring stuff out about Interships, reading, taking notes in the very first notebook I’ve ever owned. I’ve got a pretty good relationship with all my teachers so that’s good. I’m also trying to not let anything bother me, even if deep down, it really really really does. Just gotta be Mr. Brightside (well Mrs. I guess in my case)

Well I’m in the computer lab which blows balls and I don’t really want to sit here all day even though I’m sure you all want to read so much more about my life.

Druuuuunk Post

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 07:00:11 GMT

So the German has returned back to the 732.... where she belongs!!! I was so excited I ran across campus so stoked. I think I'm gonna get to see her for the first time in 4 years. Wow, she kinda began the best things about all our gropu dynamic. She was there for the best time of my life.
Dude, is 3 weeks gonna be enough?

We climbed the dirt hill tonight, he is going food shopping with me, I got free diner food, I got a poem written about me, and the Professional is back!And elissa posted!

Lauren*

"Fuck the shut up!"- Lynott

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 22:20:12 GMT

So much has happened that I can't write it all. I guess thats a lie. Life is pretty boring here at school and I can never really remember stuff thats happened. I need my own computer so I can update this page the second something intresting happens. Hmmm well... Thursday night we decided to drink a little bit... a little bit turned into a lot... then turned into a trip over to Sig Ep, my first frat visit since freshman year. It was hella fun. It was one floor of about 25 people, and they were all really cool. I was a hit with my cowboy hat on and my mighty cleavagy shirt (they were acutally going to be my pjs but it was a last minute decision to go there) anyway there are pics documenting the crazy night of funneling, and body shots... not to mention, truth or dare.
Friday was splendid classes then I came back and swore I was going to nap and I might have... I dunno, but then me Michelle and Tom went to see Troy cause we were bored and I wanted to stare at hot guys. The movie still sucked and we laughed through the whole thing. Then we came back and so began...

Skateboarding 101

Yes people I am embarking on the journey of skateboarding. I always thought it was badass and maybe the badassness of skateboarding will transfer some badassnesisity to me ergo making me all the more badass. Yeah... it was fun and I'm definately going to try and stick with it.

Anyway, last night I didn't even bothber moving till like 5 because there was no one left on campus who loves me. I worked till like 245, called Elissa which was nice then ran into and talked to Griffen for a bit.

Today was another waste and I don't even know why I stay on campus during the weekends.

Oh well. tonight shannons little bros are coming up for awhile because Pennsy is flooded. Little kids running around a college campus: I'll have the camera ready.

Lauren*

NA-REN! (a mentally handicapped person saying my name)

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 20:50:19 GMT

So I am so hyper right now. Got out of class and spoke to my stunt son Derio who apologized for waking me at 7am. God forbid this boy was my real son? And I yelled at him for waking me for a favor. Maybe I should save my future children the trouble of a terrible mother and not breed. Ok so derio isnt the best way to test my future mothering skills. Which reminds me that yestarday I held my 9 day old cousin Colin Andrew Perez. He's so cute. You know most babies look the same? Well this one does too... but it makes these faces... they are such Perez faces. The faces made when we are cranky and we just wake up. We have such full of expression faces. It was awesome to hold the kid, it's like holding a little miracle. Anyway I saw my dad who I haven't seen in forever. I watched the end of Dinosaur, this Pixar type movie which looked cute. Then I went home and grabbed some stuff for school and rolled out. Well that was my plan. What ended up happening is I started looking at pictures cause I wanted to bring a few to school and they were all spread across my bed since I used a few in a picture frame. So here goes my nostalgic part:
Those pictures, all 4 trillion of them, reflect the best times of my life, and reveal the best people who made those times great. And it made me realize that no matter where we go and no matter how rough times can get, we, or at least I, have these memories. I had the best times of my life and if nothing ever again compares to that, I guess its ok, because at least I had it ya know? It makes everything else seem alright, like I'm just thankful for it I guess. Well thats how I felt last night anyway, when I went through all the party pics, highschool hallway shots, Franzi photo's, WildWood pics from all three years, and that grateful feeling just rushed through me and stayed with me the rest of the night. And I had a conversation with my partner in crime the whole way back to school and we talked about friendships, the different kinds, and how to apprciate them all without neglecting another one... and how some people don't seem to get that, and its no use being mad at them, but almost to feel sorry.
I love all my friends so much, even if I don't see you all the time, or even talk to you. Even if your a friend who has gone through everything with me from finding rides to the skating rinks to drunken hook ups or one that has just re entered the picture and loves late night trips to diners and smoking stooges... I care about you so much. Even if you are a sketchy Punj who I can't even get mad at anymore cause you have reached brother status and always know how to make me smile and time to times seems to know me better than I know myself... or an ebony sister who I call sister who calls me everyday at least 3 times a day, and we still never run out of conversation. Even if I haven't met you that long ago but still so quickly we finished one anothers sentences and both apprciated fart jokes and burps. Even if I have disagreed with you on so many things, but you still called me all the time when I was sad and lonely starting college, and drove 3 hours to pick me up for weekends and let me borrow hoops and told me how beatiful I don't know I am ALL THE TIME! Or maybe your my ferret who is just as random as I am and can be even more spunky or maybe you are my therapist who listens to every stupid damn story, crush, experience, conversation and theory I have ever had.. You guys all rock my socks off, and even though we are apart, you still are my reason for smiling, and good times, even in your absence. God, you guys gotta go through my pictures, the things you'll never realize you remember.

Wow, I'm so gay.

Anyway, back to fun shit like me running around with a shirt over my head and my arms flailing and humping Bryan's head while screaming NA-REN NUVES BRYYYYYAN! Yeah... the good stuff.
Morgan told me I can have my own name on her computer. I must start face fucking her I'm so happy.

Dat's all fo now you crazy cats.
Leave love blatches!

MMMM dinner smells smashing Michelle!

Lauren*

Captain Christina Davis

the holiday season

an apology

i'd be more worried about cy-otes if i were you! *gus chiggins

i'm wearing a gasoline dress and a lit match accessory

because stacy liked it so much... ((EMO ALERT!))

THIS SONG GOT SOUL TO IT!!!!

MONDAY

blondest night ever

damn 3am internet outages!

***PROBLEM***

Halfway up the hill....

Fudge pops and sluts in training

Yeeaaaahhh

And since I'm in the mood to share my writing shit...

Random Ravings of an over tired over stressed under stimulated college girl

Druuuuunk Post

"Fuck the shut up!"- Lynott

NA-REN! (a mentally handicapped person saying my name)

PROBLEM